Virtual reality: Take a Walk!

SPEED: Hi, mate! (as he reads Indian Finance Minister’s take on the population problem in India relative to the growing flocks of sheep in New Zealand in a famous pink paper).

MODI is silently counting cash bulging out from his trouser pockets, over-sized jacket and poking out of his rear-pockets as well. He casually nods in affirmation and acknowledgement of the greeting.

CNEXT: So Sir, where is international cricket headed?

SPEED: To the CCI for the Champions Trophy finals, obviously.

MODI is still counting his cash.

CNEXT: I meant, Mr Speed, in what direction?

SPEED: Oh, you take a right turn at Churchgate, and then take another right turn at some pub or something, and then another right...

CNEXT: It’s okay, Mr Speed, I will re-confirm that with the taxi-driver. But people in India are very upset about your remarks.

SPEED: Oh that is a misquote!

CNEXT: But Mr Speed, we saw you on TV waxing eloquent on our population explosion?

MODI : (interrupts) Implosion.

SPEED (pointing towards a greenish-tinged billboard where Shah Rukh Khan looks down at us with imperious disdain): Oh that wasn’t me... Haven’t you seen Don?

MODI is now reading the commercial terms in a complicated sponsor contract on a stamp paper.

MODI: (muttering to himself): I hope the stamp paper is genuine. Must check with the President.

CNEXT: So how has the experience been for you personally?

SPEED: Great actually. I am also learning how to fly a kite. Mr Modi is promised to give me personal lessons.

PAGE_BREAK

MODI on hearing his name, suddenly looks up alarmingly, and whispers...

Instead of a rope, I am giving him a thread to hang himself with. Just being slightly kind towards the silver haired old bloke.

CNEXT: Are you happy with the pitches in India?

SPEED: You guys pitch well, you know. But I think the bowlers should have bowled more yorkers than Mr Modi.

MODI (smirks): Wait till you see our bouncers.

A couple of hurly-burly guys sauntering close by distract Speed momentarily.

CNEXT: Mr Modi, but isn’t it true that India is performing disastrously?

MODI: Come off it, you slave of the East India Company! Aren’t you even aware of this basic fact? We are now the world’s richest cricket body, and soon we will even bid for telecasting ICC matches. We will even re-name BCCI.

CNEXT: What will it be called?

MODI: It will still be called by the same acronym BCCI, but it will stand for Bored of Cricket not Commerce International.

CNEXT: No, I meant, our performance in matches.

MODI: Oh that! Come on now, haven’t you heard that failures are the pillars of success? You win some, you lose some!

SPEED: But you guys are only losing.

MODI: We will certainly win the World Cup 2011; that’s what we are preparing for. We are breeding youngsters. Tendulkar’s son could be our trump card.

CNEXT: Mr Speed, how do you view India’s performance?

SPEED: Well, I judge a country by its ICC ranking, which is why I have a very low opinion of George Bush. I think your team that won the World Cup in 1995 was much better.

CNEXT: But there was no World Cup in 1995.

MODI: Malcolm, as CEO of ICC you should know this much at least. Ganguly’s Gang won it in 1985.

PASSER-BY: Abe eh, kya bolta hai, shaane? Hum 1983 mein World Cup jeete the (What are you saying, smart cookie! We won the World Cup in 1983), a disgruntled morning walker fumes, as he walks back giving an angry stare at Modi. The bouncers are suddenly in ready-position.

PAGE_BREAK

MODI: At least I was closer to the correct answer, Speed.

SPEED: (Takes a deep sigh) Lalit.

MODI: (Snaps) Oh don’t call me by my first name in front of journalists, Malcolm. We are not friends no more.

CNEXT: Okay, tell me, how has been the crowd's response?

MODI: Pretty good actually... We gave away the maximum number of complimentary tickets in the history of any sports event worldwide. With this we have entered the Guinness Book of World Records. (Modi proudly inflates his chest; some dollar bills fall out).

SPEED: Well we have introduced dollar pricing, as I have been very impressed with India’s globalisation success story.

CNEXT: But the crowds have generally stayed away, Sir?

SPEED: That’s a good sign. Maybe India’s population is begun to decline.

MODI: Malcolm, you are at last talking like our valued guest.

CNEXT: Mr Speed, a BCCI official said that they were very upset that you exceeded your brief.

SPEED: My brief? What brief? That is clearly hitting under the belt.

MODI: Don’t worry, Malcolm. I will talk to Percy old chap at the Zodiac Grill and tell him to re-write your job description. We are hospitable, we Indians are.

CNEXT: Tell us, why is there so much corru....

MODI: Enough! And please revert on how many hits/page views you get for the interview page, and sponsorship value. We need to work on a revenue-sharing arrangement (leaves, deliberately ignoring Speed).

SPEED: See, how I fooled him (He removes a face-mask, surprisingly revealing himself all over again)!

I am Speed, Malcolm Speed! Speed ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi, namunkin hai (It is not just difficult to catch Speed, it is impossible)!

The End