Aspi, maanglik cricketers and me

I wake up from my semi-slumber and the stuffy seat-belt expecting an engine smoking away. Thankfully, the bonnet is still not a bonfire.

"Why is India losing all the time, Saar? Very sad, no?"

"Aspi "---I said, agitated at his lack of sporting knowledge and "fluctuating fortunes" of the game. "You win some, you lose some."

"But Saar, for India I think the mantra is Lose some-Draw some."

I ignored that sarcastic, ill-informed pass.

"Saar! Do you know why Sachin Tendulkar got run-out yesterday on 99 runs, Saar! Just one run, can you imagine? He would have got his 52nd century, poor apnu Sachin. Not fair, Saar!"

With Aspi, getting into an argument is like scaling the Mount Everest on one leg, blindfolded, without sticks and of course, no oxygen masks and food. But today, bitten by an intrepid bug, I ventured on slippery ice.

"42nd century, Aspi. And Sachin got run out because he is not 21 anymore. The body is weak, even if the flesh is willing, you know. There’s no mystery about it. Stop speculating."

Aspi is not restrained by my logical argumentation.

"I heard, Saar, that Sachin went hurriedly for that run when on 99 because he thought that Dravid might declare the innings. Seriously, that’s what I heard. After all, in Indian cricket anything is possible, no, Sir."

"Even our badshah Shah Rukh Khan has been approached, Sir, for the job of a coach," continued Aspi, not in the least in a relenting mode.

"Aspi, your imagination gets the better of you," I said, fully aware that he had narrowly missed hitting the tail of the belligerent BEST bus.

"But the BCCI got angry with him."

"Why?" I asked, highly curious, knowing fully well that at best SRK could coach women. And that too at hockey. And only in a film.

Because SRK insisted that the new team motto would be, "Chuck It, India."

BCCI thought that was a nasty dig at the team.

"And Saar, Sharad Pawar has done a great deal with ICC. He will be President of ICC in 2011, 2019 and 2027. The ICC has also promised him that they will amend the Constitution so that he will be legally forced to be ICC President once he occupies the hot seat in 2011 or else they will sue him."

Knowing Pawar’s political acumen I was aware that the only thing missing was ICC shifting its headquarters to Baramati..

"I also heard that Mohinder Amarnath is himself responsible for losing the chance of becoming India’s batting coach."

"Why? What did he do?"

"A BCCI private detective caught Mohinder watching Zee TV, Saar."

"Also, Saar----------"

"Aspi," I said, by now exasperated with his unending barrage of conspiracy theories in Indian cricket. "Enough! Please drive. And quietly."

"If you insist, Saar," he said with a rueful hang-dog expression. Suddenly for some obscure reason, he brightened up.

"One last thing, Sir! The BCCI has done a thorough investigation into the World Cup Wander, the Ford Failure, the Chappell Comedy, and the Flying Flu. And they have just issued a press release."

"Really? That’s interesting." For the first time during the tumultuous drive, I fully awoke.

"And what pray is their big finding?"

"Saar, some chap called Cement Srinivasan announced amidst lathi-charge and the media jamboree, that our dismal cricketing fortunes is because of the fact that some of our cricketers are 'maanglik.'"

"Oh! That’s silly superstitious crap," I cried, anger brewing within me like an espresso in a coffee cup.

"Saar, I believe Sourav Ganguly, Rahul Dravid, Dhoni, Sreesanth, Ajit Agarkar, Sachin Tendulkar, Gautam Ganbhir are all being driven away in a chartered bus to a forest near a famous Irish castle."

"Why, for god’s sake?"

"They will all be tied to a tree, while preparations will be made for performing the exercise."

"Exorcise, Aspi."

"Same difference, Sir!"

"And who will perform the entire ceremony, Aspi?"

"Mr Amitabh Bachchan will perform the entire rites in his deep baritone voice, Saar!"

"And how will he do it?"

"Saar, I believe he will do the mantra to the beat of a song called Doom Baraabar Doom."

Thankfully, by this time we had miraculously reached home. Only to discover that Aspi had been driving all along on a flat tyre.