Jhakas | Sanjay Jha
Dilip Vengsarkar , Chief Selector of Indian cricket , sat on a massive jeweled throne in the shape of a cricket ball, twirling his dark moustache with a sadistic grin spreading gingerly over his face, like strawberry jam slithering on a hot whole-wheat toast. On either side of him, sat his four co-cronies, chests puffed up, their stomachs equally swollen, indicating a high level of LDL.
"Call that pesky fellow, So-Rub Gang Lee", ordered Vengsarkar in his characteristic military command ( they don't call him "Colonel" for nothing) , his voice incredibly harsh for someone who rumouredly loves sweet shrikhand (sweet curd) for breakfast. Continue reading below
His hair severely disheveled, in a state of utter daze and evidently disoriented, his celebrated glasses perched precariously on his nose, So Rub Gang-Lee was led by two strong muscle -men of India's young brigade holding him from both sides in a ferocious grip.
MS Dhoni, the ODI captain kept skipping on the left side, while Yuvraj Singh, the Punjab da puttar, limped laboriously on the other , his left leg in a white plaster. .
"Why are you skipping, MSD? This is not monkey-business. The whole country is watching us with a hawk-eye" screamed Vengsarkar furiously at the Jharkhand ka Jadoo.
"Sir, I am supposed to be the skipper, Sir. So just practicing. Sir, physical fitness is everything."
"Shut up", roared an indignant bunch in unison, the voice of Venkatapthy Raju, barely audible.
"I know So Rub can bat very well" said Dhoni. "I know he has scored over 1000 runs in both forms of the game, was India's best batsman all through 2007 and even here in Australia. What a comeback, Sir. Fantastic, sir! Very inspirational. He can bowl well also, Sir."
"Then why do the two of you want to throw him out?" bellowed the furious Colonel
So-Rub attempted to break free, and speak up but Yuvraj smothered him with effortless ease, as if squatting a mosquito.
"But Suresh Raina, Robin Uthappa , Rohit Sharma and Guatam Gambhir run faster than him, Sir. They throw well also. Only they can't bat or bowl that's all----- very minor issue. Our fellow Larry king, physio, said he will address their deficiencies very easily."
"OK!" said Vengsarkar looking quite convinced , his moustache straightening sideways by itself, like a horizontal bat shot by Sachin Tendulkar . His colleagues nodded in silent acquiescence.
"And Raul Dead Weed?", queried Ranjit Biswal, dipping into a white rosogolla syrup.
Raul Dead Weed was ushered in amidst tight security, but he seemed most indifferent and in his own world, reading a book with rapt attention.
"Sir, he should now be called The Fall, Sir. A superb player, who has taken the highest number of catches in Test cricket etc etc , but we want him out because he is jinxed with bad umpiring decisions, Sir. We don't want nasty omen, bad luck, Sir! Look what happened at Sydney?".
Vengsarkar nodded, visibly impressed by the intricate assessment of the playing skills of So Rub and Raul Dead Weed. His co-conspirators were in total agreement.
"And you, Yuvi, what do you have to say about your broken foot-long ?" asked Raju, with a Chiranjeeviesque drawl.
"Football , Sir! Exploring alternate career , just in case, Sir! More money, more fame, more women. Just check out Christiano Ronaldo, Sir! Ask Bipasha Basu, Sir, even she will say -----Goal, maara!".
"Shut up, you blundering blabbering buffoon. Speak to me with respect, you young stud. I am Colonel Dilip Vengsarkar". The room thundered as if hit by a 9.5 earthquake on the Richter scale.
Yuvraj suddenly shivered vigorously and saluted.
"What's "your take" on So Rub Gang Lee and Raul Dead Weed ? .
"So Rub is my mental, Sir"
"Mentor" corrected Vengsarkar, to approving nods from the others.
"Correct, Sir, , mental. But I think he has to be dropped because he is too good to be in the team".
That argument had all the selectors stumped.
Vengsarkar took hurried notes. "Now that's what we have to say in the press-conference, guys. What a brilliant assessment, Yuvi".
"And Dead Weed?"
"Sir, he is too personal. Gets very personal, not good to be in the ODI team".
"Do you have damaging evidence of Dead Weed's personal attacks on you, Yuvi?".
"Yes, Sir! He told me one day I will become The Monk who sold his Ferrari, Sir! Sir, me a monk? And I will never sell my Ferrari, never, ever for ever! And he keeps saying that this has been written by Robin Uthappa, Sir! He is playing politics, I am telling you".
Raul Dead Weed looked up briefly from his book wondering what the commotion was all about, and then got back to reading the spiritual odyssey.
The phone rang. It was the Vice President of BCCI in charge of maximizing revenue.
"You guys are a bunch of clowns , only wasting time. Time is money, don't you get that? We want So-Rub and Raul to start preparing for IPL T 20 tournament in April. See, they are not good enough to represent the country in official ODI cricket. But they are "icons". They are cash cow for BCCI to milk on the T 20 format. They can be sold for million of dollars. I know there is a glaring contradiction, but nobody in India is wise enough to figure that out. You bewaqoofs( fools) , itna bhi nahi samajhte ( you can't even understand that much)"?
