Pain in the groin

Now BCCI has cut out the synthetic pretensions, and has officially licensed their so-called assets for disco dandiya and bhangra rap. Even right on the eve of a Test match. In fact, the tinsel-town heroes are using the 22 yard pitch for matching their histrionic skills beyond the 70 mm screens.

The mega Indian summer wedding of Bollywood and cricket is now formally solemnized, with BCCI big-mouth Lalit Modi bequeathing the ceremonial oath. Akshay Kumar, displaying his bulging biceps as the North Indian machismo, Roshan his fleet-footed local roots, and SRK parading his Kolkota conquest, all 6 abs and shaven chest-skin. Cricket, ladies and gentlemen, is the new crossover cinema.

It was a somber-looking cab driver in scenic Bermuda who broke the news to me of India's masterly collapse for 76 runs at Ahmedabad. Indian cricket survives on some divine intervention, some cosmic inferences, and usually has a melodramatic element attached to it. Otherwise, why would it take precisely 20 overs (T20, anyone?) alone to see the famed batting line-up resemble a bunch of inelegant schoolboys at net practise?

As we drove along the majestic pink-sand beaches in this tranquil abode in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, the bearded middle aged driver shook his head with perceptible despondency. "This IPL stock-market thing should not affect your cricket."

There was something remarkably sincere about what he said, a hint of almost a poignant touch in his concern. "You should preserve Sachin Tendulkar; he is like our hero, Brian Lara". Three days later, as I hooked onto the broadband cables at JFK, New York, for a match report, one got a not-so-glittering summary to read.

In three days the bloodbath was all over. And going by the IPL promo line, they are supposed to be "warriors". Funnily, IPL pompously pronounces from billboards. " Not players". We agree.

Sachin Tendulkar, who is missing the entire Test series against South Africa with a groin injury, will be miraculously fully fit before the IPL begins. Rest assured, he will. You don't need to be a crystal-ball soothsayer to predict that.

Of course, to ensure that Mr Tendulkar continues to drive advertising moolah through an enduring brand appeal, he has announced in a rather subtle cheeky way that he is interested in winning the World Cup 2011.

Thirty-eight years young, and rearing away like a rooster on afternoon fire. An unrequited love, so far sadly unfulfilled, remains his cherished dream. Smart move by the Little Master. Remember, all those jargon-infested marketing gurus will tell you that brand-building is a long-term investment. Four years is a decent tenure. Not bad, Sachin!

And with Sharad Pawar likely to be the ICC president at that time with universal powers, with some flunkey stooge here as BCCI President, I am surprised Sachin did not say that he would like to captain India in WC 2015.

It is such a sad sham, and speaks volumes about how crass commercialization is influencing player mind-sets. It is a tragic story, really. And then there are we, a motley bunch of dwindling "purists", who are eagerly awaiting the day Tendulkar will overtake Lara's highest Test aggregate score. Because that will be one special moment of Indian cricketing glory!

Suddenly anyone who is everyone is hibernating, quickly recuperating their fragile bodies, preserving their brittle bones for the cash bonanza to follow in the IPL.

Why play a five-day grueling affair under sweltering conditions for Rs two lacs, when about 12 games of 240 balls each (equivalent of overs played in just one 5-day Test match only) will give you, say on an average Rs 3 crores, almost 150 times more! (For MS Dhoni, of course, the equation is slightly different).

For Indian cricketers, their agents, IPL bosses, BCCI, franchise owners, official TV broadcaster, etc - it makes business sense. So who cares for this traditional travesty called Test cricket?

Sunil Gavaskar has appropriately lambasted the Indian team for frolicking their toe movements on slippery discotheques, late into the midnight hour before the Ahmedabad Test match. But how can you blame the poor hapless cattle when they are being shepherded by a commercial alchemist?

Frankly, I want Anil Kumble to put his foot down, and tell BCCI to lay-off it's wayward behavior. I know Jumbo must be hurting bad for the Ahmedabad annihilation. He is the one bloke who can restore sanity, as BCCI bulldozes disdainfully every sacred thread of Indian and world cricket.

Modi is India's latest bigmouth bully with a ballooning ego, especially as he is seemingly gloating under the new tagline of being the modern-day Kerry Packer. Check IPL's media directives which smacked of his supercilious attitude, pregnant with insufferable conceit.

As a media man, I would not have taken the trouble to vociferously protest the nonsensical expectations. I would have just casually dumped the IPL circus. Believe me, Modi would have come quickly crawling, even issuing complimentary passes for the home-bound ayah.

I am extremely surprised how the Indian media makes such a gullible fool of itself from time to time (remember how the English media extensively covered that Raj Thackeray, the politician from Maharashtra) had banned the English media itself from covering his press conference?).

The truth is that Modi needs the media much more than we need him. I wish the Indian media had shown some serious self-respect here, instead of asking for a negotiated settlement. That was sadder than watching Devdas hit the bottle for a lost cause.

But again, isn't Indian media a fully divided house, bickering perennially, and sure enough, everyone knows that. Including Modi.

Modi's game-plan is based on old-fashioned political strategy; make everyone happy, get everyone on board the BCCI ark. The players are making hefty cash (so excess cricket will not be uttered by any idiot in white/colored flannels), advertising agencies get new business, ex-cricketers become brand ambassadors, Bollywood gets wide exposure, media outlets get juicy content, every Tom, Dick or Harry associated with the game gets some cosmetic assignment or the other; advisor, consultant, physical instructor, coach, trainer, cleaner, bus driver, loo assistant, you name it.

So seemingly no one complains. Not one soul.

However, there is an old saying that you can fool some people all of the time. And all people some of the time. But you cannot fool all the people all of the time.

Modi will be well advised to remember that.