Jhakas | Sanjay Jha
Lalit Modi marched with his trademark panache, surrounded by glares- adorned muscular bodyguards from The Matrix-kind, his pretentious aristocracy dripping from his Savvile Row suit, gold rimmed glasses hoisted imperiously on his nose, as he surveyed whether the grand opulence of the royal banquet hall in the sea-side resort befitted the momentous occasion; his disciplinary hearing for alleged misdemeanors conducted by BCCI's Chirayu Amin, Arun Jaitley and Jyoti Scindia.
Amin (coughing): Lalitji , you are such an artful dodger. But appreciate your dropping in by curtailing your holiday in the French Rivera ( Pours himself some Glycodin syrup). Continue reading below
Modi: Sure thanks, Chiru . Frankly, though I would have liked to see Shilpa, Shah Rukh and Sush on this panel. But cool, guys, lets move pronto with this disciplinary crap or whatever. ( He whips out his mobile phone)
Jaitley: Lalit, that's not the way you can talk. Only Nitin Gadkari is allowed to talk in that unique manner. It is now patented. And why the mobile phone?
Modi: I am giving word by word commentary on my persecution by you biased fellows by tweeting to the world. . Its sponsored by Micromax.
Jaitley is about to explode but Modi interrupts him like a traffic constable when one is in a hurry.
Modi: Jaits, chill! Harish has read the legal aspects. Nothing prohibits me from tweeting.
Scindia suddenly notices Modi's bodyguards have returned carrying a big rectangular box covered with black cloth on all sides. Security guards panic as some funny sounds are noticed emerging from that enclosure.
Amin: What is in that cage, Lalitji?
Modi (with a deadly sadistic smile) : Take a guess? Ok, let me quiz you. If you guess it right, I will felicitate you with 50% of my facilitation fee. Here is my clue: it is a sea- animal.
Jaitley: Holy Cow!
Scindia: Arun, aren't you carrying your BJP obsession too far? And by the way, Lalit said it is a see-through animal.
Amin: Have you got a shark to scare us?
Modi: Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to ------
Everyone bends forward, each wondering who is the unknown one with a question mark on his gender.
Modi removes the black cloth drapery covering the large box.
Jaitley: By George!
Scindia: Arun, it's Paul!
Amin: God, you kidnapped it. That Nazi fellow .
Modi: No illegal stuff, Chiru. I got Paul's visa approved without Shashi Tharoor's intervention. Listen, I have a plan ( he whispered).
All three panel members exchanged looks, and an impenetrable silence ensued. Jaitley broke the freezing ice.
Jaitley: You have 5 minutes, Lalit.
Modi: Why don't we start an Indian Football League?
Amin: Football? We are ranked 321!
Scindia: Rubbish, Glyco-----I mean, Chiru. We are ranked much higher at 132.
Modi: Will you guys show some zing, please? I have only 4 minutes and 24 seconds left .
Jaitley: Why football remains unanswered, Lalit?
Modi(imitating Jaitley): That way kick-backs become legal, Mr Arun Jaitley -the-great that's why !
There is stunned silence, but restrained acceptance of the opportunity lurking around.
Paul is seen dribbling his long tentacles amidst the pebbles.
Modi: I asked Paul what will work in the long-term , IPL or IFL? And Paul preferred football. He has 8 legs for god's sake. Now you can verify for yourself.
Scindia: Not 8 legs , 4 pairs of arms, Lalit. Maybe he is telling us to start a basketball league.
Amin: Don't be silly, JS. Go ahead, Lalitji.
Modi: This will be 20:20 , but Twenty 20 Football.
There was complete pin-drop-silence at that bewildering announcement.
But Modi continued ahead like a rooster on a hunt: Let me explain. The Indian Football League will have 4 halves of 10 minutes each. But .........
All panel members were looking at him with the same dumbfounded expression that usually greets us when we reach an appointment on time.
Modi: But........all penalty shoot -outs only. That's what the crowd loves. 5 kicks per side in each 10 minute session. This includes cheerleaders dancing after every shot. So basically, a minimum chance to score at least 20 goals each. What do you think? 20: 20 football will be a reality. We will own cricket and football. And we will rule the world. I will rule the universe. And I will be king, and I-
Jaitley: Shut up, Lalit. You are an I-sore.
What if it is a tie at 20-20? asked Jyoti, sounding like the one wise man in an otherwise low IQ gathering.
Modi: Oh then, the winner will be decided by ...............An SMS poll of which team has a more handsome goal-keeper.
Jaitley: Legally, the best option in the circumstances, I think.
Modi: Not bragging, but I will haves WAGS given full TV screen guaranteed coverage, titled Wagging Rights.
Scindia: Sounds good.
Modi: And Mrs Beckham has guaranteed sponsorship from Victoria's Secret.
While Amin and Jaitley shuffled uncomfortably, Jyoti had a huge grin on his face.
Modi: There will be three cards given instead of the 2 right now. Yellow card-for obscene attacks near sensitive body parts. Red card---if you draw blood samples which can be collected in test-tubes for our NGO activities. But we have something new for good behavior for the first time. Those who behave well will get a Green Card to the USA , sponsored by New York Bulls and supported by that cheater cheater Thierry Henry the C.
Amin looked confused, Jaitley introspective and Scindia , both confused and introspective.
Modi: Sherlyn Chopra will dance to a number called Hips Do Lie but Lips Can't Bite.
Jaitley: I don't know whether the BJP,MNS, SS, RSS will allow it.
Modi(with a wink) : Don't worry, Arun. I have already got Nitin's green-signal.
Amin: To get Saab's approval, suggest we get a popat also . That will make it fair otherwise Saab will get blamed for the foreign hands here deciding the future also.
What the hell is that poopat, said Jaitley.
Scindia(sarcastically): A desi parrot, Arun. Tota. Like Ravi Shankar Prasad Ji.
Modi: Let's ink the deal with Paul, please gentlemen and ladies. I will manage Sharad Rao and his popats, like I usually have.
The three disciplinary panel members huddle in an acrimonious discussion , but after 20-20 minutes, they reached a consensus.
Scindia: We will choose our own sports leagues that might work, Lalit. Let Paul select , as we have some serious differences.
Modi ( irritated) We will give him choices that suit you in a box. You choose the food and the sport. But hurry.
Amin: I vote for cricket only. But feed him undhiyo with khakras and dhoklas.
Jaitley: I think we could try hockey. Feed him paneer tikka, dal makhani with kulchas.
Scindia: Football is cool, actually Make it daal baati churma and jalebis.
As Chief Administrative Officer, Professor Ratnakar Shetty was asked to do the ceremonial presentation of delicacies to Paul, who looked distraught with hunger and multiple choices.
Paul(sniffing undhiyo): Too oily
Paul(sighting paneer tikka): Too much protein.
Paul(snorting at dal baati choorma): Too sweet.
Modi(very upset) : Shit! Sir Paul, you are behaving like that spoilt-sport Shashank. What's wrong with your tentacles today?
Just then a visibly agitated Sharad Pawar walked in , a green parrot on his left shoulder, scandalized that cricket was being subverted during his august reign as President of ICC by three eminent home-made jurists and his trusted aide.
He gave a dirty long hard look at Paul the Octopus who was shaking in fright.
Paul(in Marathi): Maala Fakta Sherlyn pahije ( I want Sherlyn only).
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