Jhakas | Sanjay Jha
The BCCI sent an SOS SMS to its key functionaries only asking for an urgent reconnaissance at a secret hide-out but sent in strict confidence to just one favored media contact who had several friends. This author happens to be, providentially enough, the surreptitious mole's friend's friend 's friend in the Fourth Estate. I am part of a leaky chain. This one is, I assume you have guessed by now, EXCLUSIVE. This is where you read it first.
The sacked or suspended or strung-high erstwhile IPL big chief Lalit Modi was apparently the prime instigator of the hurried conclave. The agenda was so confidential that even Shashank Manohar did not know what to expect as is usually the case even when he issues fiats for instant get-together. The only thing certain is that Manohar occupies the chair next to the emergency exit for superstitious reasons. Continue reading below
Instead of the traditional chaalu-chai (smart tea with dollops of milk and sugar) that is usually served at BCCI round-tables, this time Bloody Mary was being served, marking a symbolic departure from convention. A senior official (deliberately unnamed) raised an eyebrow but quickly gulped two glasses bottoms-up before my mobile camera caught him on the act ( will upload on You Tube soon). The air was as thick as John Abraham's biceps as Manohar rose in an awkward vertical movement to address the gathering.
Shashank: Ladies and gentlemen, Lalit Modi requested for this sudden meeting which he wants branded as "Operation Blood Bank" brought to you by Apollo Hospital.
There was hushed silence all around and the smell of Bloody Mary in the air.
Modi (checking his gold cuff-links from Harrods): Ladies and gentlemen.
Srinivasan (angrily): There are no ladies here.
Modi: For that matter, there are no gentlemen here either.
Shashank: Stop fighting, please! ? Or I will complain to Saab.
Modi: Sachin Tendulkar is not just a great player, friends. He is also a shrewd savvy businessman. He has just opened up a new revenue stream ---- blood. The pun and fun is intended.
Everyone looked as if stunned with an LSD overdose.
Srinivasan: That sounds gory!
Modi: The glory of gory is what we are going to talk about. By auctioning his blood, Sachin has established the Adidas line---Impossible is Nothing. But blood is.
The crowd seemed to be getting excited though. The senior BCCI official had now downed his sixth Bloody Mary and was seen rubbing his tummy.
Modi: But we are all forgetting something. Brand value.Brand recall. Brand sustainability. Brand extensions. Brand......
Srinivasan: Enough of brand-baaja (noise), move on, Lalit.
Modi ( ignoring Srini ) : I did a thorough calculation last night on our BCCI /IPL brand valuation on my Excel sheet. Over the past 6 months we have received 27308900 per cent higher media coverage than Sachin Tendulkar and the entire Indian team put together. Just pause and think. Close your eyes. Think. Imagine. Traverse. Transcend. Gravitate. Discover.
As if hypnotized by a Baba from an Art of Living discourse, everyone began the arduous task of doing what they were not accustomed to: thinking. Only Srinivasan kept one eye open.
Silence ensued. Several minutes passed. Everyone looked as pleased as punch with that dramatic revelation.
Modi: If Sachin can, we can do better. I Lalit Modi am more famous than Sachin in all corners of the world. I am the king. I am the universe. I am-
Niranjan Shah(suddenly awake from his reveries) : Shut up, Lalit.. What's your business model?
Modi: We will all donate blood. Today. Now. All of us. We will do a presser and re-christen BCCI. We will call it The Blood and Cholesterol Control of India. This will show our concerns for the health of Indian cricket and the nation at large. We will steal Sachin's thunder with our lightning strike. We will create our own 5000 page, 1000 kg weighing book titled: WHERE THERE IS BLOOD THERE IS BCCI. And it will have all our coveted precious irreplaceable blood samples. Our blood. In one book. A collector's edition with an initial print run of 2 million only. Imagine!
Everyone seemed very impressed as the hotel's General Manager announced that the stock of Bloody Mary's was getting exhausted.
Shah(appearing delighted with himself) : Maybe even that new Hollywood Vampire movies chaps can be asked to sponsor our efforts, Lalit Ji.
Shashank: Shut up Niru!
Modi: Now that we have reached a unanimous agreement, let me introduce Doctor Narendra Modi who will take the blood samples.
The bearded doctor arrived with six bodyguards carrying AK-47's.
Shah: Why is Doctor Modi needs bodyguards?
Modi(chiding him sweetly): Niru, that is not for him. The bodyguards are to protect our blood samples. He is essentially a gynecologist though. Ok then. Everyone take off your pants and bend down fast as possible as Dr Modi will have to finish his pokes fast. We don't want anyone to know of this as this is top classified. Only I will announce this under Breaking News in a presser an hour from now. Hurry! Down with your pants!
Everyone promptly complied.
Shah: But I am on the pill.
Modi: What ? Why?
Shah: My diabetes pill.
Modi: Don't worry Shah saab. You will make our book a sweet success (laughs)
Shashank: Will you also publish our DNA?
Modi: Yes, but only in The Times of India. From a Who's Through list in which we are all today we will get into the Who's Who list (laughs aloud again).
Srinivasan sounds scared as Dr Modi advances towards him menacingly with his hypodermic needles. : Please, I am a hypochondriac.
Modi: Be positive, Srini. Your donation will soon be worth millions.
The blood collection drive was over and everyone had by now taken their seats and worn their trousers too. Doctor Modi seemed satisfied with his expedition.
Modi: I am also announcing the formation of a VC company. It will promote cricket in those regions where we are guaranteed 1234 per cent ROI from Year 1.
Shashank (claps) : Wow! That is vision, Lalit.
Modi (with a smug smile) : Thanks! Our VC firm will be called Vampire Collections.
Everyone stood up to give Modi a standing ovation.
Shah: Modi Ji, kya creativity (what a genius!).
Modi: Thank you, thank you! Like Winston Churchill we will put our sweat, tears, toil and ............blood.
Everyone was still clapping.
Modi: We will create our own Blood Bank. The biggest. The best. The ultimate. Do an IPO. Take over Citibank. Take over HSBC. Our blood will not go in ......
Shah: Vains.
Stunned silence, followed by thunderous clapping.
Everyone: Bravo Niru!
Suddenly Shashank interrupted the celebrations .( Suspiciously): Lalit, we have noticed that you have not donated your blood.
Modi: I was expecting that sneaky Shashank. I was expecting that.
He pulls out a big red tomato from his black jacket.
Shah: What is that?
Modi: A tomato from the farms of Baramati. Doctor Modi is going to take that as my blood sample. If Sachin comes up with talks of pulp and blood , we will match him with our own combination . We will be ready. Tit for tat, tomato for a tomato.
Doctor Modi punctures the tomato with his needle and looks satisfied with the outcome.
Shashank: This is like pulp fiction, no???
Modi: No , this is reality. This is not a dream. This is the beginning of a metaphysical subconscious state of being. The Eternal Sunshine on our Brainless Minds. This is Inception. This is our Momento. I am the Full-Blood Prince! I am-----
